Habits

I was watching a drama serial last night and in the show, the female character said that she maintained her habit of writing diary to her ex boyfriend. Beats me who this ex boyfriend was. But she told that to her then boyfriend. It was kinda' complicating for me because I watched the show from the middle and really didn't know the story at all.

Nevertheless, that wasn't the main point. The main point was, most of us live our lives via habits. There were many things we did and still maintained because, we are simply used to doing them.

For instance, my mother still has the habit of picking up the phone and dialling my grandmother's home, or thinking of buying fish for her, only to remember that she's no longer around.

For me, I too, have my habits of worrying about her. And it must have been the ocsillation between worrying about her and the reality of her not being around anymore that caused me some stress and pent-up sadness. So, I fell sick.

Today is the first Saturday we are spending without grandma. This morning, when mum mentioned about buying fish for her, I couldn't help it but teared. It has been a habit for me to visit her on Saturday. To see her sitting on her chair waiting for me to buy her snacks.

Sometimes, she would give me this adorable, warm smile to show me how pleased she was to see me. Or else, I could crack a few jokes just to make her smile again.

For the past week since she passed on, I went to bed each night thinking of her alot and couldn't go to sleep. At times, I simply cannot believe that she has passed on already. At other times, I choose to believe she is happier and try to push her out of my head.

All in all, I miss her.

And on this Satuday (today), I feel a little lost. Still recovering from my illness and wondering what to do next.

Habit, is really quite a scary thing, and it really takes quite a bit to kick it.